Tell me part of your story of living with HIV?
Getting HIV was one of the biggest fears that I had subconsciously since I first accepted being gay. I remember first thinking about HIV when I was in college and still in the closet. One of my fraternity brothers made a crude joke about a group of us in the fraternity that were virgins. He
said something along the lines of “watch, the first time that you guys finally have sex, you’re gonna end up getting some disease and dying.”
I finally came out to my family at 25 during grad school. While my coming out process was generally positive, I didn’t fully accept or celebrate what that meant for me right away – specifically in regards to sex. I think that had to do in part with some internalized fat phobia and definitely with some internalized homophobia. I knew the basics of safe sex, but I wanted to learn more about HIV prevention (specifically PrEP). I never ended up being able to bring myself to mention it to my doctor. I was embarrassed and scared. I was openly gay, but he never once brought up the topic of sex or sexual health with me. He seemed more interested in always giving me shit about being fat despite my bloodwork always being fine at that time. Ultimately, I just don’t think the doctor ever saw me as a sexual being.
On March 1st, 2018, about five years after coming out, I was informed I was HIV positive. I just sat there, numb. The first thought that came to mind was that my life was over – what my fraternity brother said was true. They started passing me a bunch of papers to sign, scheduling follow-up appointments, and clarifying to me my new legal obligation to inform all future sex partners of my status. I couldn’t stop my train of thought the whole time: “It’s over. I would never have a partner. I will never again be or feel healthy. Its all over.”
As fate would have it, this all happened precisely around the same time that I had the privilege of meeting Sister Roma of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence (SPI) in San Francisco. She was a speaker at an event I attended about “The Sisters” hosted by The Indiana Crossroads Sister
of Perpetual Indulgence, the local chapter of SPI. Sister Roma spoke of the early days of the Sisters and how instrumental they were in bringing attention to the the AIDS crisis at the height of the pandemic in the 80’s. She spoke of personally spending time in the hospital with people
dying of AIDS. The Sisters were sometimes the last ones to spend time with somebody in the hospital trying to share with them a bit of joy and comfort in their finals days. I was moved by hearing Roma’s words; hearing the power that love can have in the middle of darkness. Sister Roma reminded us that night that HIV was no longer a death sentence: there is treatment now and there is hope. Sister Mira L’Amor was born hearing Roma that night. After the event, I shared my gratitude with Sister Roma. I let her know how much it meant to me to hear of her work and the sisters as somebody who had recently been diagnosed with HIV. She hugged me tightly and asked me about my care. I had been prescribed Genvoya, but I had not started
taking it at that point; Somehow starting medication made the whole thing official to me and I couldn’t bring myself to face it. She made me promise to start taking my medication ASAP. I started that night and I have now been undetectable for almost six years.
What would ending the HIV Epidemic mean to you?
I think the mission of The Sisters would be a bit easier to enjoy for me with the end of the HIV epidemic. The mission is “to promulgate universal joy and to expiate stigmatic guilt.” Ending the HIV stigma would help us living the “poz” life to further access joy, love, and community without limits. In a world without the scare of HIV, I could just be and enjoy life.
What does U=U mean to you? How does it affect your life?
It means freedom*. Freedom in the awareness and knowledge that I’m healthy and safe. That I cannot communicate this to anybody else.
I add the asterisk because it would be nice to be able to enjoy this – to enjoy sex – without having to go into a lesson on HIV and U=U just to get through the gate. We have a right to dignity and to be loved just like everybody else. I have been with folks who understand this, but we still have a long way to go.
How long have you been undetectable?
5 years
Is there anything else I should know about you?
My journey with HIV has been one one where my public, general acceptance has been loud and proud, while my personal, individual acceptance of it has been the direct opposite. There is still a part of me that keeps me from fully believing that I can (or will) have access to love and connection even with being undetectable. However, I’m excited for the opportunity to #CelebrateUU and take another step forward to acceptance of my full and true self.
P.S. This is my first time being publicly out about my status!
