Tell me part of your story of living with HIV?
I was born into the first generation to never live in a world without HIV (GRID then). My childhood saw the vilification and en masse deaths of people who happen to be born like me. I moved to San Francisco when I was 19 years old and started my rural New Mexican dream job . . . working at a real live Queer bar in a big city. My first day bartending the owner took me to the back patio to meet the rest of the crew. He pointed at a grassy hill and he said “there’s Danny Wong, manager”. Then he continued to point and list dozens of names of queer men whose ashes were spread where they finally felt Home. And he told me that knowing your family was important. Then I proceeded to spend the next few years like any young queer newly free.
Till I got sick. I had been taken in, adopted after a fashion, by a wonderful man, whom I still consider my father, who knew the signs. He’d seen them many times before. He tricked me into a lunch invitation with “one stop first”. That was the free clinic.
After my seroconversion I got drunk. And stayed drunk for about a year. I was an embodiment of guilt. Guilt for all those who had died that I didn’t learn from. And very guilt ridden with the fear of the harm I could do others. I remember once frantically bleaching down an ice bin after cutting my finger on a broken glass. Panicked that my disease would hurt someone.
Years of fear, quilt and avoidance ended in a hospital and a white blood cell count of 8.
8.
Then even more years of harsh meds and side effects. I turned so yellow for two years that a coworker had to help me find makeup to cover my face and I got contacts so I could wear sunglasses just so we wouldn’t lose business. I wasn’t able to ride in a car without erupting nausea for two more.
“Then one day. It went away” to quote Peggy Lee. I made it to undetectable. A soul soothing balm started to penetrate me. And . . . well, let’s just say the penetration hasn’t stopped.
What would ending the HIV Epidemic mean to you?
It would mean victory. It would mean solace. It would mean we did It means shaking off the monster on my back. It means I don’t need to carry the weight of the fear of hurting those I love anymore. [Hebrew meaning ‘to heal the world’]
What does U=U mean to you? How does it affect your life?
It means shaking off the monster on my back. It means I don’t need to carry the weight of the fear of hurting those I love anymore.
How long have you been undetectable?
5 years
Is there anything else I should know about you?
Proudly 18 (nearly 19) years positive, 10 years since my AIDS diagnosis and 5 years U=U! O! and I’m a 21st Century Queer nun.
